As I am writing this blog, I find it very hard to put into words what I am feeling at the present moment. I've exhausted almost every ounce of energy to convey my thoughts to whom ever is reading this blog. So please bare with me on this effort to express my thoughts for the day. As I wake up to the unrelenting sun rays of each day in the early morning, I try not to go into worry of the things ahead and not to fall into remorse and despair of the things I have done in the past. I continued to tell myself there is so much to do but not enough time in the day. Until recently, I tell myself there is little to do and too much time in the day.
I've left my job, like I had left my previous jobs and the previous jobs before that, without consideration of the negative impact it would cause. I had run away too many times and ended up in the same hole to have my mother pull me out of the mess only to get myself back into it again. I've burnt too many bridges and disappointed so many people with the actions I took. I am afraid to face those people to whom I owe an apology moreover an amends. I hide in guilt, shame and regret and asking God what have I done.
The one and only few close friends is no longer here as she has moved on beyond the physical world. I miss her company so much and I regret not being there enough to help cope with her daily struggles as I was to busy trying to deal with my own. Ironically before her passing on, she had told me why she had let me into her life. When I left New York to start anew with her in Las Vegas, I had left not for the reasons to start a positive life but rather to escape the life in New York that has taken me down to the bottom of the deepest abyss where I tried to make it suitably comfortable to live and call it my home. However that wasn't enough. In retrospect, nothing or anything was ever enough for me. My families love and more importantly my own mothers love for me wasn't enough. I needed more.
When I arrived to Las Vegas, I had a sense of a new beginning; a new world to explore and inhabit. It was like the same and overwhelming feeling when I first arrived to New York. I didn't know what to expect other than being afraid of the unknown in an unfamiliar territory. At least, I was far and away from the damage and wreckage. Later that day I had met with one of my closes best friends and she had greeted me with her beautiful smile and hugged me as she welcomed me into her home. I thought to myself, what kind of a friend would welcome someone into there home who's life has been plagued and filled with nothing other than personal turmoil. I'm finding it very difficult for me to understand why would anyone want to help a seemingly hopeless person. For me, it seems to be one of those conundrums yet to be answered.
I've left my job, like I had left my previous jobs and the previous jobs before that, without consideration of the negative impact it would cause. I had run away too many times and ended up in the same hole to have my mother pull me out of the mess only to get myself back into it again. I've burnt too many bridges and disappointed so many people with the actions I took. I am afraid to face those people to whom I owe an apology moreover an amends. I hide in guilt, shame and regret and asking God what have I done.
The one and only few close friends is no longer here as she has moved on beyond the physical world. I miss her company so much and I regret not being there enough to help cope with her daily struggles as I was to busy trying to deal with my own. Ironically before her passing on, she had told me why she had let me into her life. When I left New York to start anew with her in Las Vegas, I had left not for the reasons to start a positive life but rather to escape the life in New York that has taken me down to the bottom of the deepest abyss where I tried to make it suitably comfortable to live and call it my home. However that wasn't enough. In retrospect, nothing or anything was ever enough for me. My families love and more importantly my own mothers love for me wasn't enough. I needed more.
When I arrived to Las Vegas, I had a sense of a new beginning; a new world to explore and inhabit. It was like the same and overwhelming feeling when I first arrived to New York. I didn't know what to expect other than being afraid of the unknown in an unfamiliar territory. At least, I was far and away from the damage and wreckage. Later that day I had met with one of my closes best friends and she had greeted me with her beautiful smile and hugged me as she welcomed me into her home. I thought to myself, what kind of a friend would welcome someone into there home who's life has been plagued and filled with nothing other than personal turmoil. I'm finding it very difficult for me to understand why would anyone want to help a seemingly hopeless person. For me, it seems to be one of those conundrums yet to be answered.
When I awoke in the morning, she had breakfast made for everyone; her husband, dad and me. She asked how I was doing and I replied with a smile and said, I was doing just fine, when really I was already feeling home sick. Later on that day or perhaps the day after, she had a long and serious talk with me. She had laid a green over-sized planner on the kitchen table and gave me a lecture on having goals in life; in essence, a purpose for living and contributing to this life, no matter how big or small that contribution was. She was very determined and without any doubt in her mind that she would have given me what she had worked so hard fo
r and that was not having only a purpose but independence. "When I am gone, I will not be there for you, when your parents are gone they will not be there for you, and when your friends have gone away they will not be there for you as well and all you have left is just yourself.". At that time, it seemed of little importance to me. Ironically, now that she has passed on, I understand what she had meant. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
P.S. As a one of my close friends quoted, "Get off the cross we need the wood!" :)
r and that was not having only a purpose but independence. "When I am gone, I will not be there for you, when your parents are gone they will not be there for you, and when your friends have gone away they will not be there for you as well and all you have left is just yourself.". At that time, it seemed of little importance to me. Ironically, now that she has passed on, I understand what she had meant. If nothing changes, nothing changes.P.S. As a one of my close friends quoted, "Get off the cross we need the wood!" :)
In Loving Memory of My Close Friend, Ana Lowry-Martires.
You will forever remain in my heart Love Jay
